Identify these 5 things and find success.

Last week, the focus was on the idea that properly written goals will amount to far greater success.  The fact is that goals are only a part of the problem in success barriers.  In this post I will expose 5 fundamental barriers that when you identify yours, you will have identified your path to success.

• What do you believe about success and what you are allowed?

What you are allowed is often a strange idea to clients seeking success help, but the reality is that many of us carry a status ceiling that we are held under.  It dictates the amount of effort and the amount of work we will exert in the accomplishment of a particular goal. 

Some years ago, I was talking with a client about success, goals, and where she wanted to be for income and possessions.  She said to me that “She did not see herself as a “Mercedes girl”.  I had never heard this term before, or since, but it exposed the underlying belief that there is a status ceiling and she did not feel she fit above it.  When she realized that she had established this class barrier, she realized that she had not allowed herself to excel beyond a certain level.

By examining what we truly believe about what we are allowed, we begin to unlock the door through the ceiling. 

• ·         Our belief about what others think of us will build barriers to our achievement?

What we think others believe about us has an even greater impact on our success than what we believe about our self.  If you have taken on the belief that others expect you to live a certain way, remain in a certain class/status, or will judge you for trying to achieve anything beyond a certain position, you will likely be stopped by the barriers that you believe are placed around you.  These barriers often are established within us, and are a reflection of our own inner belief, but we project them onto others.  If there is ever an instance that supports the belief, i.e. never getting picked first to be on the popular kick ball team in grade school, or never getting chosen to sing a solo in high school choir, can instill a belief about how others perceive you that will carry on for years.

• ·         What is the return (pay value or threat) for making the change?

As strange as it may sound, we often need our current issues in order to maintain a certain amount of status.

For example.  I was working with a man some time ago who had a real goal and need to lose weight.  It had come to a point that he could no longer ignore this.  His weight however, had become a sort of status.  He carried it well and so while looking heavy, you could not tell how fat he really was.  He was used to being known for his stature, and this size was a sort of status for him.  When he continually sabotaged his success in losing weight, I pressed him on the question, “what does my size give me, or what will I lose if I lose the excess weight?”  The reality that he continually allowed the threat of losing status in the eyes of others by losing his size was a hard reality for him to accept but it changed the way he saw himself, and allowed him to actually begin losing the weight. 

The harsh reality is that this is not uncommon, and many are trapped by the belief that they need their issue in order to have purpose, friends, acceptance, etc.  Often we are blind to the idea and many will ardently reject the fact that we will carry certain traits and beliefs if they give us certain return, either positive or negative.  Until we are ready to accept this and find a new pay value, we will remain unsuccessful.

• ·         What do I need?

All action and belief is based on need.  Not needs like food and shelter generally, but needs for social and emotional connection, needs for variety in life, and needs for control.  In order to fully understand why we act in a certain way or avoid specific things, we must spend an honest moment and asking the question “why?”.  “Why do I xx when xx?”.  The answer to the “why” may be the most important answer you can ever receive as to the barriers that hold you where you are.  When you know why you are where you are, why you do what you do, and why you believe what you believe, you can finally make the type of changes that are vital to real change.  In the examples above we see various examples of the “why”.  To remain large met my clients social need and need for acceptance. 

The inverse of this is also true.  To deny yourself social and economic growth due to the rejection of the past can also be based on need.  Our need for safety and control can dictate that we do not try harder than we belief safe when social rejection has implanted a notion that we are not good enough, or worthy of certain things.  Additionally, some goals have been cast off do to the fear associated with the achievement.  Some success may bring a change in lifestyle, friends, and associates.  If these changes are too far outside of a comfort zone and if there is not enough support for the change, the need for safety will derail the change.

• ·         What support do you have?

As unfortunate as it is, many of us do not have the social supports needed to make the changes we desire.  Any combination of the above social pressures can combine with the lack of support or downright rejection of the goals by those close to us.

When I chose to move away from my Professor position and go it on my own, there were those who were very supportive and then there were others who made comments such as a snarky “good Luck” and “I’m scared for you’.  Perhaps well intended, but the message was one of limited trust and support. 

When you make your goals, the most important thing you can do after all the above, is to associate yourself with individuals of a like mind and drive.  Mastermind groups, mentor meetings and our success coaching are all ways to find like minded and supportive people to surround yourself with.  The old adage, “We move toward and become like that which we think about most” is very true, and the people you surround yourself with will make the most impact over the long run.

May you find great success in all you do today.

Brett

P.S. do you get our newsletter?  You really should.  Monthly news and information to advance you life.

P.P.S. Don't miss out on the opportunity to get one on one success coaching and brainwave balancing sessions to ensure your success.  Check it out here and how you will receive free services in the process. Check out my video regarding my Brain Focus session yesterday on YouTube.  

Permission to fail - GRANTED. Carry on

When you lose your fear of failure you will gain your ability to fly.  Brett

Part 1

By Brett “The Bong Bong Doc” Judd

I said yesterday that today I would unlock one of the greatest success secrets that impedes nearly all individuals, in all walks of life.  This one notion has likely been the cause for more unachieved goals and unrealized successes than anything other notion in human history. In fact, it is the one consistent theme that I hear over and over when I am in a counseling session, or when I am talking to someone about the real and lasting change the can come to them from Neuro-Balancing with Brainwave Optimization.  But before I get there, I want to tell you a story.

I was sitting with a client who had really been struggling for a long time with a particular issue.  We had danced around the edges of it for so long that I really thought we were in some kind of wild polka.  Every turn and every twist was met with the same repeating theme.  This pattern was so worn-in that I really began to question whether I had it wrong and there really was no answer.  I was coming to a point that I had no more analogies, no more sage introspection  because everything I tried was attacked with the same resounding retort. I was stumped until he finally opened up and let me understand the wall that we were hitting.  The crazy thing is it was the exact same thing that I had dealt with in myself, and with one of our daughters.

For two years in a row, our family attended Philmont Scout Camp in New Mexico for training and fun.  It was great.  While either my wife or I was in training for the various Scout programs we ran, our kids were off adventuring and having a great time.  One day my group was doing some team- building experiences near the High COPE course, which my daughter’s group was attempting.  She was all strapped into a harness and ready to climb the 40-foot tower that led to a 300-foot long zip Line.  She was terrified.  In fact she was so scared she had frozen to the ground before she had ever even touched the pole she was to climb.  When I saw her, I was instantly taken back to an experience I had several years before on a similar COPE course.  I wrote about it in this post here.  She was having the same, instantaneous, will-stopping thought pattern that I had had, that my client was having, and that nearly all people on this planet have had until we learn to overcome this universal belief. 

I can only imagine what the world would be like today if others had not overcome this success-halting belief.  What would it be like if Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong had frozen to the launch pad with these same thoughts?  Every rocket before them had exploded either just after liftoff, or on the pad.  No one would have blamed them to have let this though stop them then and there.  But, like these two, there are plenty of examples of successful people who have overcome this belief and have set an example for us that we need to follow.

When I went and talked to my daughter, and, when I stood at the base of the 40-foot pole I wrote about, and when my client kept dancing around the issue and discrediting any potential option, we all parroted the same thing, “WHAT IF?”   That’s it.  That is the single most detrimental thought that keeps us from stepping into our own capsule and launching to the moon.  “What if it doesn’t work?”, “What if I fail?”, “What if I’m rejected?”, “What if…?” have ended more great successes than any other belief.

“What if..?” is at the core behind test anxiety, fear of job hunting, and asking that perfect someone to prom or just even to a movie.   “What if I say something stupid?” or “What if she/he rejects me?”, and perhaps the most behavior stopping one of all “What if I fail?” have all been danced around in that frenzied polka so often that the dance floor is getting thin.

Think for a moment what the world would be like today if the thought “What if no one wants a personal computer at their desk?”, or, “What if no one really wants a handheld device that connects them to anything in the world with the tap of the finger?” And, what if two brothers who made bicycles had decided that since every other person who attempted to fly had failed, that they just kept on making bikes?   The PC, Apple, i“Everything”, and flight all came from the determination to let go of “What if…” and just do.

So, what is it about the “What if…” that makes it so powerful? What is it that keeps feet securely planted on the ground even if we have seen others before us do the thing we want to do?  It is as if we are all so positive we are different from anyone else, so special that the rules and averages do not apply to us, that we assume we are the one that it won’t work for.  When my daughter stood at the base of the pole ready to climb to the top and ride the zip line, she was not the first of her group to attempt it, and the evidence was right in front of her that she was safe and capable, yet the “What if” kept her grounded.  No, it isn’t arrogance and a sense of being so different that keeps us grounded.  It is the fear of being SO different that it won’t work for me, and “I will fail!”

 Anyone who has ever come to the batter’s box, the free throw line, stepped onto a wrestling mat, or even gone to an interview has faced this dilemma.  “What if I strike out?” “What if I miss?” “What if I don’t get the job?”  It is this fear of failure and the shame, humiliating, and loss that keeps us from attempting to achieve great things.  And the hardest truth is that the very same notion is the very thing that will unlock the total success when we overcome it. “What if… I succeed?” Now that is an interesting take on the “What if … “, and it alters the entire paradigm.  More on that in a minute…

                Why is it not okay to fail?  What really will be the damage?  And, where on earth did we get such a debilitating belief? We are taught it by teachers, by coaches, and by parents.  Yesterday’s post discussed the power of constructive motivators and the idea of “When” not “IF”.  I discussed the problem with inhibitive and restrictive motivation.  These are so prevalent in the raising of our children that the underlying belief of “Failure is not an option!” becomes ingrained in the psyche.  Too many times the short-sighted focus of looking at the potential demise is so debilitating that we do not see the potential for when we do succeed.  And we are so blinded be the notion of failure that we do not see the avenues of success all around us.  Imagine a school where students are praised for giving a full and total effort and going out on a limb to try something new – even if that exploration was a complete failure.  Consider the work environment where projects and ideas could be explored with full support regardless of the potential outcome.  Every time we took a test after giving it our absolute best effort in study, practice, memorizing, and application, and we are handed a less than satisfactory grade.  And every time we show that grade to important people in our life (parents) who then chide, berate, ridicule, or punish based solely on the grade – the outcome – our desire to attempt anything beyond complacent mediocrity is instilled.  Because we are so focused on the outcome and not the attempt in the praise and reward system practiced in our society, personal vulnerability and “What if IT DOES WORK?” are not developed.  Every time a goal is written and the potential outcome is considered it is cloaked in the remembering of every test failed, balls missed with the back, times we were pinned in the match, and how the only thing that was seen was how not the vulnerability of the attempt, but the unsatisfactory outcome.  It is this training from every attempted success in our past that shapes the “What if …“ today.

I am not talking about the “Everybody is a winner” Cub Scout Pinewood derby where you get a gold star for showing up.  I am talking about the type of environment where it is seen as a time for review evaluation and regrouping when we receive an F on a test, not grounding from certain privileges (though that might be warranted if the process review shows more time gaming and Facebook than actual study).  The attempt and process is more important than the outcome in most cases. 

I know it is all well and good for the next generation and hopefully the parent reading this who will begin to raise an “Edison.”  Thomas Edison attempted to create a better light bulb and it took him over two years and numerous “failures” in the process. Of this process he is quoted as saying:

·         "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.", and

·         “If I find 10,000 ways something won't work, I haven't failed. I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward."

If we were to apply this same mentality to failure as Edison, the Wright’s, and so many others we would see far greater successes in all of our goals and desires. 

            By granting ourselves permission to fail, we grant ourselves permission to try.  It is this internal permission that will allow us to push past every coach, every teacher, every school yard taunt, and every harsh word we still carry from all of them.  When we adopt the belief that if is okay to fail, we adopt the ability to say, “What if it does work?”, “What if I do … ?”.  It is this permission to fail that allows people to run for office, to open a business, and even write a blog.  It is the permission to not only fail but the recognition that a failure is only a reflection on the plan so that the plan can be revisited.  It does not always mean that the goal is bad, only that our approach and our tools were not effective.

            That is why at An Open Mind we are writing this blog and offering Success Coaching plans.  Sometimes the only thing that really stops us from getting beyond the “What if I fail?” is the company we keep or the voices we are listening to.  Through our goal analysis email’s we look at the format and structure of the goal to assure that it is written in a way that will maximize success.  During the personal consultation sessions we discuss the progress and process in order to understand the revisions that need to happen in order to meet the goal.  And in the blog posts and Friday noon web meetings we offer helpful advice and counsel based on real life experiences that will propel you beyond the ordinary resolution experience.  When you look at it, the $125 that it would take a month to get started on the path to a new and better you is really small.  PLUS, I’ve knocked off nearly $100 from the regular price if booked out by the 15^th of January.  If you do not follow this link and grab your coupon for the savings, you will likely miss out on a great deal and potentially not achieve the success you want.

                Sometimes, there is more going on than just a belief.  That is why in the coaching package I am including Brainwave Balancing focus sessions.  For some of our clients, these sessions have reviled very distinct patterns in the brain that are also causing barriers to success.  Weight loss, drive, happiness, and even relationships can all be hampered by imbalances in the brainwave patterns.  Neuro-Balancing with Brainwave Optimization is THE BEST OPTION for anyone really wanting to make lasting changes and have the most advantage possible for success.  If you have never experienced it, you are missing out.  If you have and have not been back for a boost or “Brain Massage” session, you are denying yourself the full potential the tool can provide.  Especially with the completely updated system.

Our 13 week success program is a sure fire way to guarantee you will have the most successful year ever and a greater life to come.  “What if it works?”  That is my question for you.  What if it works and really provides the mental and emotional freedom you need to succeed?  Only you can answer the question and decide why you do not want to have every advantage in this troubled world.

                Tomorrow, in Part Two, I will discuss a companion “What if… “ that has stopped many from ever stepping onto the success track, and you will likely be surprised when you read it.

Till then,

Brett “The Bong Bong Doc” Judd

P.S.  My daughter did climb that tower and she did launch herself off onto the wire of the Zip Line.  You see, like the rest of us with “what if … “ fears, she was forgetting that the harness she was in was attached to ropes, that were attached to a team of supporting friends who would not let her fail.  That is what Success Coaching is all about.  Gathering a team of open minded and focused supports who will do everything they can to see you succeed. That is why I believe that this offer is the right way to start your year. $100 in free coaching success help is sitting on the table waiting for you to grab it.

P.P.S.  Don’t miss the very first Friday Success Chat on YouTube. If you go to http://www.youtube.com/user/AnOpenMindNB?feature=mhee and subscribe to us, you will get notifications of new posts.    Add us at Google + AnOpenMindNB https://plus.google.com/u/0/100775656746347022036/posts  to be linked to notifications and get direct links to the events.  See you tomorrow at noon. 

Resolutions will always fail...

Resolutions will always fail if this one rules is not followed.

       I saw a post this morning from a friend who stated that he resolved that he “would not eat ketchup anymore”.  I instantly thought, “I give him 2 weeks.”

       This language "I will not ... ", "I won't ... " will always be met with rapid failure and short lived success.  Negative focused affirmations have never had the staying power that a positive focused statement has.  

There are two motivators that drive each and every one of us. Inhibitive/restrictive and constructive.  When ever we are compelled to change due to restrictive or inhibitive means - "you cannot", "you won't", and "I can't", we are removing the pay value and the incentive from the process.  The constructive "I choose not to", "I will ...", and "It gives me ?? when I ... " are all based on powerful internal motivators that provide action and purpose.  The more personal we make the pay value, the more driven we will be to achieve the change.

        For example, if I want to have my son clean his room, I must first figure out a way to make my desire his.  He must have “buy in” for the change.  If I am exerting my will onto him, he will not have the internal energy to do the job. The same is true for each and every one of us. When we attempt to be motivated, to alter a behavior, through some form of coercion or negative talk, we have missed the critical component that will ultimately change us over the long term. Change that is driven by negative motivation or restrictive constraints, is change that runs out of gas quickly because it only seeks to remove a threat. If the threat is levied heavy enough against my son, he very well may clean his room due to the coercion and anticipated loss if he does not.  That burst of fear driven energy has no lasting endurance.  It is like trying to stay awake and driven on caffeine rushes when what your body wants is sleep and nutrition.  

     When I was a felony probation officer I continually faced the dilemma of finding ways to encourage my probationers to make the life changes the Judge had ordered.  Initially, all of them came in very focused and driven to change because they did not want to return to jail, or hated coming to see me, or many other reasons. But all were negative and pain based.  I found that the motivation and the drive usually lasted no more than 3 months. Then the drive for doing the change for someone else, or to avoid a specific outcome, ran out of steam. It was only when we were able to find the pay value that moved their inner desire that we were able to develop goals and resolutions that had any lasting effect.

     Returning to the idea of getting my son to clean his room, when I attach the request/expectation to a true desire that he has, and I frame it in a constructive manner, the likelihood of having the room clean is increased.  It is far more positive and motivating to say, "I will take you to the movie (that he has really wanted to see), WHEN your room is clean" than the inhibitive "IF you get your room clean, you can have ..." and even more demotivating “IF you do not clean your room I will/you’ll lose/etc.”

     Two distinct differences in the example above establish the foundation for writing a powerful goal and affirmation.  The first is the subtle difference in the meaning of WHEN and IF.  To use the WHEN is to create the assumption that it will happen.  It implies a belief and an optimism that the thing is going to happen.  Any goal that is effective in creating real and lasting change must be seen as so real that it truly will happen.  Anytime we use the IF we immediately imply a belief that there is doubt in the outcome.  I will address the doubt and escape routes in a future post.  But for now it is enough to say that we must remove the “if” in order to create success.

     The second and perhaps the most powerful difference is the intrinsic pay value based on a true desire.  To establish a goal based solely on the restrictive and inhibitive means that we are working for someone or something else’s desire.  I have client who is struggling with overcoming a behavior that has cost him much in his life.  In the beginning the notion was that “I have to quit in order to get her to stay!”  Noble, but it has not created the change that is essential for lasting change when faced with the stress that triggers the behavior. Not until that becomes “I X when I feel X, because it gives me X” will there ever be lasting change associated with the positive and rewarding satisfaction that “the effort was for me because I wanted it”.

     If this were my affirmation and resolution for change in the coming year, I would first establish the WHY.  Without knowing why we want to change we will never exhibit enough energy to actually succeed.  The WHY must also be framed in the positive. Losing those 20-40 pounds that have been nagging at you, or actually beginning a storage and self sufficiency program in your home are wonderful desires and for them to have the energy to endure you must find the internal reason that you want it.  To say that the Doctor has warned me that I am developing diabetes or heart disease, or I am afraid of my government and must take care of myself are insufficient reason to sustain your desire to change. These restrictive reasons for change only create energy until you are sick of salads and you smell the burgers frying as you drive down main street.  

     Examples of positive, constructive motivators might be, "I feel healthy and have energy when I am fit."  And, "I care for my family by ensuring we have the resources needed to be self sufficient". These statements have personal meaning and real potential. Later I will specifically address the reason for the openness and perceived non specific nature of these statements and why these will result in better change than any other option.   For your New Year’s resolutions to have any lasting power, the number one place you must start is in defining the pay value and removing the “won’t”.  No lasting change has ever been established from a position of restriction.  Find your personal why and you are beginning to form the basis of lasting change.

See you tomorrow, Brett.

P.S.  Don’t forget to schedule yourself for the Friday Google Hang-out.  12:00 mountain time.  This interactive discussion will help to sharpen and hone your resolutions for lasting outcomes.  Here is your link to join the hang out.  https://plus.google.com/events/c1n2cqjtspjsrdids7rlim1i6hs  While there be sure to add us to a Google + group so that you get all of the notices of coming Hang-outs. 

P.S.S. Be sure to take advantage of the excellent opportunity I am extending.  Success Coaching is personal one on one help and accountability for establishing a sure footing in your change process.  Below is a link to receive a very valuable coupon to receive nearly 2 hours of personal attention for the 1 hour rate.  Since these slots are limited, ACT FAST to assure you get the support you need to make 2013 your best year yet.

Want help and a focused ear?  

As a special offer to readers of this blog, I am offering a special package to enhance your success and make sure that you are setting goals that are attainable, meaningful, and realistic, with all the tools you need to succeed.

For $125 a month, you will have email goal and affirmation review/editing, 30 minute coaching session either in person or via web meeting, access to audio and video training resources to hone and focus your desire to change and 1 45 minute brainwave balancing focus session a month.  Individually, these items would run as high as $250, but to assist our readers in their change goals for the coming year, we will do all this for just $125! That is over 2 hours of personal and profession attention to get your year off on the right foot.

Not in our area? Not a problem!  You can still take advantage of the coaching and resources portion of the offer and we will increase the amount of coaching you can receive. 

As this is a significant savings from our normal rates, there are a limited number of available slots.  Be sure to sign up quickly.  Sign up before the January 15^th. These services will still be offered, but at our normal rates and subject to availability.

 This link will take you to the coupon that will allow you to receive these discounts.

http://app.greenrope.com/coupon.pl?c=444c6d9fdbc1e73b80da4c6ce909216c

Grief and legislation in the aftermath of a crisis

 I have watched this past week with some interest and sadness as the fallout from a horrific Sandy Hook school shooting in Newtown CT  has settled.  The act of this man are deplorable and there is no excuse for them.  To minimize them would be to deny the severity of the event.  That being said I would like to discuss the concern that comes as a result from these types of tragedies.

Many in the cyber world are clambering over themselves to be the most vocal, the most outrageous, or the most concerned.  Rhetoric from all political influences is streaming like the constant flow of a river.  The fractionalization of the populous is even more evident as we are prone to expose our private selves in the Facebook age. What is apparent is that the grief and bargaining from this loss will result in deeper restrictions and greater perceived safety as the government clamps down on what it believes to be the easy targets for change.

I do not want this to get off into the divisive world of gun control versus individual rights.  That is merely a distraction and a band-aid to the hurt that is being expressed. Everywhere in the news, on the internet, and around the table conversations are spinning with the language of grief.  And the most powerful language is that of bargaining.

Bargaining drives us to action.  It keeps us safe from the internal storm of emotion that can envelop us in a time of loss.  Even if we are not directly effected by the shooting, we have all lost a sense of safety from this mindless event.  Bargaining provides a sense of protection that calms the hurt but does not resolve the hurt.

Heard in conversation as "If they only ..." and "When this .... " or "Had he ... ", bargaining justifies and rationalizes the uncomprehendable and assists us in making sense of the new world we live in.  Those crying out for greater restrictions and confiscation of weapons are bargaining - "If we just get rid of these magazines!"  and "Had he not had access to a gun ... ".  These arguments justify and rationalize the horror and attempt to soothe the fact that we are all helpless and feel even more exposed in our sanctuaries when they are violated.

The gun rights advocates are also bargaining and acting out of a perceived and anticipated loss.  "When we all begin to carry there won't be anymore killings", and "If they would arm the school staff these would no longer be easy targets", are both statements of loss and a bargaining of the fear felt that liberties are about to be taken.

Both sides to the fight are acting to appease the fear and the perceived/anticipated loss that they are experiencing   "I'll be safer when all guns are taken from the world." and "I am safer because I have a gun with me at all times." act to inform the logical senses of something that is senseless.

Loss events come at us from three different directions.  There is the actual loss like that of the parents and families of those lost in this recent shooting.  This represents an unexpected loss, in contrast to the expected loss of a dying relative or aged grandparent.  The second loss and the two that are most vocal at this point are the perceived and anticipated loss event.  Vicariously we all are victims of this event due to the pervasive news coverage that we receive daily now days.  Relentless streaming of tragedy creates a sense of fear as if we were there.  Now, we are all faced with the fear that what if this was in my town, my child's school, my mall and shopping center?  When will this happen to me?!  Also bargaining, these statements spur up defenses and create adrenaline to fight off the perceived threat.  We can not help it.  It is hard wired into our neurological circuitry.  Some are predisposed to a withdrawal and play dead defense often referred to as freeze.  They seek safety and hole up, or yell for others to save them.  Others are more prone to activation and fight.  They cry for action.  The beat their sabers and the build higher walls.  All out of a perception that we are next.

The danger, and the real loss is when these bargaining become legislation and law.  The knee-jerk excess that bargaining produces often leads to rules, laws, and actions that in the end do little to solve the problem, but in the moment placate the hurt.  Even more dangerous is when the entrenched bargaining of complicated and unresolved grieving leads to excessive anger and vitriol in the fight for our cause.  Groups such as MADD, the Brady Campaign, and others that spin up out of a tragic loss are bastions for unresolved grief where prolonged bargaining feels like action and the adrenaline can become intoxicating and provides a sense of action.  The reality is, the action is only acting to buffer the unresolved hurt, or the transferred anger and blame for a senseless act.  Action taken while still in an emotionally charged state is without logic and reason.  It is void of the mental processing that allows for common sense decisions and rational behavior.  Only after a person has worked through the emotional pain that fuels much of the fight can the begin to reasonably consider options for change.

I remember in 1994 when the Brady bill was past and the corresponding assault weapons and magazine ban were past.  The event that has triggered the action from the Brady Campaign was a senseless act wherein President Reagan was nearly killed and James Brady was paralyzed on March 30, 1981.  The weapon used in this shooting was a  .22 cal. revolver yet the weapons bans that were enacted were on firearms that had little resemblance to this one.  This type of over-reaction and excessive bargaining is often the case in cases of unresolved and complicated grieving, and as a result of action that comes too fast in a loss event.  We become so consumed by the "If Only" and the "When this/that"  thinking that nothing seems to soothe the pain we feel -especially in cases of unexpected loss.    

In all loss events there will be bargaining, there will be the initial denial.  There will be the emotion.  Bargaining acts to soothe that emotional abyss.  Only when we are allowed to and assisted into the emotional quagmire surrounding the loss will we ever be able to come fully to terms with the loss, make rational decisions, and finally move forward from the loss and live a strong and healthy life.

My heart goes out to those families that at this Christmas season are grieving the senseless loss of loved ones.  My heart aches for those that are vicariously effected by this act and the others like it.  My head fears the fall-out that is about to come and what it can bring, if legislation limiting liberties is enacted and especially if it is not enacted.  The two camps of protesters at this time could become an even greater protest when the legislative dust settles from this.

When we are moved to serious action in the face of loss and bargaining, we are potentially setting up the dominoes for  greater loss in the future.  It is vital that before we take any action in the face of a loss, be that a national loss or the losses in our own life, that we have resolved our hurt and emotional pain before establishing any new and lasting policy or law.  We must wait for the rational to gain hold and the emotional to heal.  Only then are we able to create logical and meaningful change, if anything at all even needs to be done.

Loss has been and always will be part of our lives.  Senseless acts of violence occurred long before there were guns.  Even in countries where guns are banned, killings of even greater magnitude occur on a daily basis around this globe.  The greatest loss is when we do not allow for healing with ourselves to occur and we are driven by the hurt, pain, hear, and bargaining to appease the emotions and end up losing the peace and resolution that can come when we have effectively and completely grieved. Sometimes the best action is to adhere to this phrase, "Don't just do something - STAND THERE."  We can not act until we have fully taken it in and completely resolved our issues with the loss event.

Surviving the Holidays sane.

As we head into the holiday season with Thanksgiving starting it off tomorrow, I want to post some Law Enforcement days holiday survival tips that will make any gathering enjoyable and sane.

1. Pre-Plan. If you know that weird Uncle Larry will be there again this year, as he is every year then instead of getting all worked up and afraid (AKA angry and upset) about what he might do, make a plan fo

r what you will do when he does do his thing. This can be a simple as deciding ahead of time what conversations you want to start and who you will focus your time with. Have pre planned exits and a back up partner for if you get trapped with him. When I worked in Probation and Parole, we never went into an arrest or search situation with out pre-planning the exit strategy and what we would do if things went wrong.

2. "What If's". If you think them through you will know what to do. By thinking through the worst case scenario and seeing yourself getting through it and how to get through it, the mundane family weirdness will be a breeze. Often when I was a P.O., while walking the halls or driving in my car I would play out worse case scenarios with other officers and we would have work to come up with a non-violent solution for the worst case event. No situation is out of line for these practice drills and the more realistic the better.

3. Strategy. By now, you have been to enough family and work gatherings that you know what will happen when Uncle Larry gets a bit too much eggnog. Work with co conspirators to make a plan of action that will ensure that your time at the party will be great. Except for the blind side events (see the above entry) we always had a plan of attack when entering a home, making an arrest, or conducting a search. There was always a back up team, always a pre plan meeting, and always an exit plan.

Take what you know and work a plan that will make the worst case hard to happen. If you know that Uncle Larry and Aunt Sally are coming, and they always do, AND you know they have a different idea of allowing self determination in their parent child interaction (AKA THOSE KIDS ARE OUT OF CONTROL). To avoid this have set of activities and expectations for the kids. Establish a kids area. And, talk to the adults and make sure they are on the same page. Finally address this directly with Larry and Sally. They need to know that the event will be managed and that they are expected to work within the "rules". There is no reason to be worried about making someone upset if they are the reason that everyone else will have a miserable time.

4. Choose your outcome. Yes it is possible to decide ahead of time to have a good time regardless. Here are some tips to plan your outcome.

Decide to not be offended. Crazy as it seems, we can decide not to be offended by the folks you stress about. Truth is, you already know who will be offensive, what conversations will be off putting and what the contentions will be. So just plan to work around them and not get involved. Simply asking "is this really worth my time and energy?" or "Does it really matter to me?" can make all the difference at the end of the event. "Will it make my life any better to engage in this issue?" is a powerful question to determine the worth of the engagement.

Choose what you want to experience. Decide ahead of time what it is that you want to take away from the gathering. By defining your course, you define your outcome. An ancient philosopher said, "If you do not have an end port in mind, no wind is the right wind". Meaning, if you have not chosen your destination and outcome, it does not matter how you are blown about. Choosing before the gathering what you will and won't engage in will define the way you look at the chaos.

Finally, ask yourself the very important question, "why does it matter to me, and what can I do about it?" Having some personal self reflection can enlighten you to the underlying reason the Uncle Larry is so weird for you or why it is that his kids make you crazy. Why when the ultra liberal relatives start talking about politics do you feel that you have to engage. Will you change their point of view? Absolutely not and they will not alter yours, so that is a great time to just say, "I see your point, I understand how you feel. I am going to go wash dishes." We only have to engage in things that we chose to and no one forces you to engage in a conversation that you do not wish to be in. Choose your end port, and choose your wind.

I hope that you have a great Thanksgiving and a magical Christmas.

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Ridicule never was a good motivator

Public ridicule and shame will never be a powerful change agent. While it is fun and mirrors the Facebook viral images of the sandwiched boarded child proclaiming "I'm a thief", these methods do little to instill a sense of empowerment, pr

ide in the accomplishment, and desire to try harder next time. The reality is, these tactics for change instill into the child sense of futility, fear in trying, and many times a seeking safety in mediocrity.

Instead of a face painting of the losers, this teacher could easily have had a teared prize/reward system based on score. Everyone receives a level of praise dependent on their accomplishment, and those who did not reach the highest are not shamed for their "failure" but are rewarded and encouraged for what they did do.

So, three things to take away from this -

1. Praise the attempt and accomplishment first.
2. Do nothing that shames and ridicules the attempt at success (recognize that success is individual and not always a test score)
3. Use the scores to regroup, seek growth opportunities, and encourage growth.

http://www.kboi2.com/news/local/Declo-Idaho-Face-Painting-Students-News-179377761.html

3 a.m. wake up. At least I hope they wake up.

The words we say and the tone we use combine to make either the most powerful healer or the greatest destroyer known to man.

Rudely awoken to the sound of a call at 3:00, the voice on the line said, "good-bye, I love you." Facebook posts indicated a potential suicide pack and the fears ran high that there was a loss of life this morning. It is not the way you want to begin any day.

The problem in this situa

tion is that it did not need to be this way. Words spoken, tone taken, and attachments destroyed have left a young teen shattered and lost. Comments like "you don't want to be like X" have further stigmatized the way this youth sees them self.

As parents, friends, and even employers, the way that we choose to interact with someone has more impact on them than we can ever know. And the sharp negative times have deep and lasting impact that could have been avoided with just a simple shift and personal insight.

It is true that during any interaction with another human, particularly one whom we have an intimate connection with or any perceived authority over, there will be times of let down, fear, and hurt. But this fear and hurt can not be allowed to shape you interaction with the "offending" person. In fact, the harsher we are and the sharper our confrontation, the less it is to do with the other person but the more it is to do with our fear and hurt. The responsibility lies in the hands of the parent or authority figure more then the subordinate to interact in such a way that the "offender" is not deeply wounded.

What is needed and in fact demanded in these times is compassion, redirection, and support. Even when the mistakes of the "offender" were the cause of the issue at hand, to beat them over the head with that failure only deepens the sense of failure already brewing in the heart and mind of the child (spouse, employee). When we approach the event as a learning opportunity and a chance to instill hope and resilience, we have done greater good to the child than to have belittled, berated, and verbally beaten them. Even blunted sly sarcasm has the sharp cutting edge of the swiftest sword.

Here are 3 things that you can always do in the moment that will keep you positive and focused on the needs of the child and not your fear.

1. Acknowledge your own inner fear and recognize what it is doing to you before you engage with the child (spouse, employee)

2. Praise the child for their efforts and the good that they have been doing, before your express your concern.

3. Use I statements when reflecting the areas of improvement or ways the child has let you down.  For example, "You have been doing a very good job in making it home very close to curfew.  I am concerned that you have not yet embraced the importance of being home on time.  It shows me that you are becoming more responsible that you have been so close to on time lately."

This morning ended with the declaration of "It was only as joke", but what about next time? Who will be listening and will they hear the cry that was screaming through the text and cell lines at 3:00 a.m. this morning?