Our Emotional Dam, by Brett M. Judd LMSW

It could be said that we all are born with an emotional river. Free flowing and clear when new, this river slowly clouds with pains and discouragement. Mixed with daily hurts, joy and love blur to mediocrity. We lose focus of the free flowing peace that once was our river.

The river of emotion that heals our broken hearts, delights our troubled days and supplies life sustaining joy is eventually dammed off. High walls are built and stone by stone, brick by brick, the flow of the emotion is dammed off to "keep us safe". We begin to develop beliefs that tell us that feeling only hurts us and we must control the flow. Not every brick or stone is laid by us. Some are laid by those who harm us. Others are laid by well intending onlookers who try to stifle our emotions when they are uneasy observing our river. Statements like, "get over it", "there is nothing to cry about", "real men don't cry" add to the depth and thickness of the feeling self. When we are not safe with our emotional self, we close the gate that would allow the river to flow and cleanse itself. Over time, we have such a high and wide wall damming the flow that we no longer feel anything. We believe that this is safe.

Behind the dam is a reservoir. Deep, dark and full of every emotion we have trapped hoping to not feel, we are now faced with feeling them at the same time, muddied together so that nothing is distinct. Joy and happiness blend with distress and pain. A runoff of clean fresh love, flows into the pool of despair and is never realized. In order to feel, we seek highly stimulating activity that overwhelms in order to feel anything. We stimulate the senses with activity, pornography, entertainment, extreme behaviors, all in an effort to feel anything. Often, we feel so much that we avoid it, numb it, build another layer to the dam to overcome it.

When I have my clients draw their dam, I have noticed a commonality with all of the images. There is no flow gate, or spill way. The dam is built so tight in order to control that there is no way to manage the flow of emotion. To control something requires constant attention, and dominance. To manage implies a sense of cooperation. Controls are in place and allowed to do what they need to with out the constant vigilance. When emotions are managed, we allow a certain portion to flow and with it we cleanse the overall reservoir. In anticipation of an outpouring or runoff from up stream, we empty and prepare. Some emotions we seek to hold so that we have what we need when we are lacking that inflow. Manage is a proactive verb, whereas control is reactive and often based in fear.

What is in your reservoir? Has the water muddied to the point it is unsavory? What happened when you receive a heavy flow of emotion? Does it spill over, encouraging you to add another layer? Do you have flood gates and understand how to manage the flow with the tool you currently have. Questions like these are the building blocks to emotional freedom. When we place flood gates and spillways into the dam, we are learning how to manage our emotional self. We hold what we need, and release what is unwanted. Perhaps we need to tare down the dam altogether because it was built upon us by those who have hurt and abused our emotional needs. When we learn what our dam is built of we are able to decide what needs to be done with it.

Just as the spring rains bring bring the fresh waters into our reservoirs, I hope that we all can release what is unneeded in our emotional reservoir and contain all that is good coming down the river.