Why love is better than logic.

There is a parenting practice that is frequently taught in our area called Loved and Logichttp://www.loveandlogic.com/. Let me first say that I am in no way trying to bash this theory, only setting out some cautions. When I taught foster parent training, I often encountered parents who were deeply versed in the precepts of the practice. What I also noticed is that many of these parents were steeped in the logic but missed the love.
Why love is so vital. John Bolby, father of attachment theory stressed that for children to feel safe in their exploration of the world and as adolescents, their exploration and attempts at adulthood, they must be supported and encouraged by parents who are welcoming and receptive to their returning home (Attachment, 1982, John Bowlby, page 337). When a child (or an adult for that matter) ventures out into a strange situation they need to feel the loving support of a caregiver or partner. This creates a secure base and the individual feels safe to attempt new things. Likewise, when the caregiver has also created a safe haven of return, the individual feels safe in the return to a welcoming and supportive environment. Unfortunately, not all returning is glorious and follows a triumphant victory in the exploration. Often in the fledgling’s initial exploration, they fail to fully realize their potential. In these times it is imperative that the caregiver nurture and love them, upon return. To hide behind the safety of logic, I bypass the emotion al need and negate the need for organizing of the emotional self. The returning loved one already fears that they will be met with criticism and judging, therefore they are more apt to be defensive and in deeper need for consolation.
Logic implies that the receiver is in full capacity of the logic or cognitive brain. The Logic brain, centered in the Prefrontal cortex, reasons, thinks, justifies and assesses all data. Numerous research studies have shown that under stress, this part of the brain shuts down and allows the emotional based mid brain to take over. For this reason, when we feel afraid, or disappointed, hurt and sadness, we are often times unable to reason our way logically through it. This is when the caregiver must reason for us and speak to us ijn an emotional organizing fashion. Delighting in us, supporting us and helping us to organize our feelings. (Circle of Security, 2002, Marvin et al. http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/ccp/74/6/images/ccp_74_6_1017_fig1a.jpg)
All too often, the caregiver in the time of distress is looking at the situation from a purely logical and rational mindset (logic brain). As the caregiver, we often let ourselves focus on the “should haves” and “why did yous” that lead to shame and guilt instead of preparation for a new attempt at exploration. Often we are hurt or afraid by the exploration and therefore find ourselves functioning under the limited abilities of an impaired logic brain. When this happens, Logic loses the Love and finds itself cynical and cold, unable to organize emotion or comfort.
The Circle of Security model of attachment based nurture is repeated in Sue Johnson’s work on couples In Hold Me Tight. These two models help the intervening caregiver to see the need for logic while deeply understanding the constraints of nurture and support that love brings. When we first employ the love to help our loved one organize and reappraise their emotional self and understand their emotions, we are able to assist them in reactivating the logic brain and thereby reason and understand the process in which they failed to reach their full potential. As a caring and supportive parent, spouse, friend, or even employer, I am create opportunities of understanding and growth that allow my loved one the strength of self to explore again, knowing that when they return, they were supported in their exploration and delighted in on their return. We were both logical and loving.

Troweling the Garden

I recently had a conversation with a client that underscores the need for gentle nurturing when counseling. This person had recently under gone a very trying time and it was our first visit back afterward. He stated that he was scared and did not see what good could come from digging up old issues. Using a metaphor I have written on already here, I discussed the change process of weeding the garden or flower bed.

I drew a picture of a planting bed with little brown seeds scattered throughout the soil, each at varying depths. I discussed with him how certain of these seeds were so deep that they could not sprout and therefore could be left alone. I told him that I read somewhere (actually in a book about chickens) that it is healthier to only turn over the top six inches of soil when you prep a garden bed as you do not want to disturb those deep-lying seeds. Over time, with gentle tilling of the soil using a hand trowel, these deeper seeds might work their way up and when they do, they could be addressed. We then discussed how even the seeds that are within the top six inches do not need to be addressed if they are not actively creating problems and may not even be seen.

Speaking of our emotional "garden", we all have had seeds of belief, attitude, and behavior planted in us from every action done to us or by us, and every acquaintance we meet. (I am very mindful that the seeds I plant with a client are the very seeds that will shape the way my client views the therapeutic process.) Some of these seeds are deep and some are shallow. Every action we make is underscored by a belief, planted in us some time before its time of behavioral harvest. Some have sprouted and some lie dormant waiting for the time to blossom into their full potential. Not all of these seeds are unhealthy.

In my discussion with this client, I used this metaphor to help him see that not every past planting needs to be unearthed at this time and that some may need to be left alone. I further discussed how some seeds, like those of the morning glory, lie deep but their influence and fruit spread wide on the surface. For these, it is necessary that we trace each behavioral fruit back along its stem and to the root of it. In these cases there may need to be some deeper work, but only and always with the gentle action of a hand trowel and not a tiller.

Most seeds planted in our emotional garden are healthy. Only a few scattered into the landscape of the garden that must be weeded out. As spring is upon us, I hope that we all might take a chance to "weed" our garden.