The ever shifting 5, by Brett M. Judd LMSW

A standard assessment technique in the counseling field is that of the scaling. Simply stated it is "0-5 where would rate x?" It is a fast and simple way to getfeed back and have your client do some self reflection.

I was using this technique one session to help a couple see how far they had come. I asked them to write down what they thought they were at the time we started and then to rate where they though they were now. I suppose you could argue that this is either risky in that they may rate a negative, or arrogant that you are assuming you have done something for them. I was fairly certain with this couple that when I asked the question I was going to receive a positive response. It was a risk I felt good about taking at that time.

I framed the question like this. "0 - 5, where would you rate your relationship when we started, if 0 meant 'why are we coming here and not to a lawyer' and 5 meant 'why are we coming here still or at all?" Each rated the first answer at a 1 teetering on 0. The second response was much different. Beaming, she reported a 4 -4.5. She was excited to report that they were doing better than she had remember. At this point I was having to hold back the self congratulatory self talk. It was not hard when I turned to him and asked his response to the question. He sheepishly showed his reply that he had marked a 3-3.5. She and I each felt deflated. I asked him to explain the low score hoping to see where things had gone poorly. He responded something like this. "As we have worked on the issues and learned new skills, I have at times felt the 5 of which you spoke. It is wonderful and from time to time I still feel it. What I have learned and the reason I rated us at the 3.5, is that the 5 is always shifting. When you reach it and linger for a while, you realize that it has become the new 4. There is always a new horizon to achieve. As long as you are progressing forward and moving toward that 5, you will always have it." She and I sat there, stunned in the wisdom he had taught us. He truly understood the essence of a 5 relationship and had gained a powerful perspective for life.

I thought of this tonight in reflection of the power that is in the reading of self help and awareness books. One that I particularly love for couples is Hold Me Tight, by Sue Johnson. Sue is the creator Emotional Focused Therapy for couples and has, in my opinion, put her finger on the whole relationship business. The problem with her book and other, is that when we read them we gain a perspective of a 5 that we may or may not have achieved. If we are not careful we will walk away from a book like these feeling as if what we felt was a 3-4 was now a 0-1. By keeping our eye trained on the ever shifting 5 of perfection, we are able to revel in our 3.5's and 4's along our journey. I have come to find joy in the 4 and teach this idea to couples and individuals as a standard launching point when ever I do a scaling or have then read a book in conjunction with our sessions.

I once learned that when you are on a wire 40 feet above the ground, you will surely fall if you look at your feet to see where you are. It is when you look with your head up at the destination, that makes it easy to let your feet do what they do every day and you walk easily to the other side. When we look at our short comings, it is like looking at your feet standing on a thin wire with nothing but space between you and the ground. By keeping you eye on the 5 you will find it much easier to do the work you need to do today.

Live for the 4, enjoy the 5.