Why love is better than logic.

There is a parenting practice that is frequently taught in our area called Loved and Logichttp://www.loveandlogic.com/. Let me first say that I am in no way trying to bash this theory, only setting out some cautions. When I taught foster parent training, I often encountered parents who were deeply versed in the precepts of the practice. What I also noticed is that many of these parents were steeped in the logic but missed the love.
Why love is so vital. John Bolby, father of attachment theory stressed that for children to feel safe in their exploration of the world and as adolescents, their exploration and attempts at adulthood, they must be supported and encouraged by parents who are welcoming and receptive to their returning home (Attachment, 1982, John Bowlby, page 337). When a child (or an adult for that matter) ventures out into a strange situation they need to feel the loving support of a caregiver or partner. This creates a secure base and the individual feels safe to attempt new things. Likewise, when the caregiver has also created a safe haven of return, the individual feels safe in the return to a welcoming and supportive environment. Unfortunately, not all returning is glorious and follows a triumphant victory in the exploration. Often in the fledgling’s initial exploration, they fail to fully realize their potential. In these times it is imperative that the caregiver nurture and love them, upon return. To hide behind the safety of logic, I bypass the emotion al need and negate the need for organizing of the emotional self. The returning loved one already fears that they will be met with criticism and judging, therefore they are more apt to be defensive and in deeper need for consolation.
Logic implies that the receiver is in full capacity of the logic or cognitive brain. The Logic brain, centered in the Prefrontal cortex, reasons, thinks, justifies and assesses all data. Numerous research studies have shown that under stress, this part of the brain shuts down and allows the emotional based mid brain to take over. For this reason, when we feel afraid, or disappointed, hurt and sadness, we are often times unable to reason our way logically through it. This is when the caregiver must reason for us and speak to us ijn an emotional organizing fashion. Delighting in us, supporting us and helping us to organize our feelings. (Circle of Security, 2002, Marvin et al. http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/ccp/74/6/images/ccp_74_6_1017_fig1a.jpg)
All too often, the caregiver in the time of distress is looking at the situation from a purely logical and rational mindset (logic brain). As the caregiver, we often let ourselves focus on the “should haves” and “why did yous” that lead to shame and guilt instead of preparation for a new attempt at exploration. Often we are hurt or afraid by the exploration and therefore find ourselves functioning under the limited abilities of an impaired logic brain. When this happens, Logic loses the Love and finds itself cynical and cold, unable to organize emotion or comfort.
The Circle of Security model of attachment based nurture is repeated in Sue Johnson’s work on couples In Hold Me Tight. These two models help the intervening caregiver to see the need for logic while deeply understanding the constraints of nurture and support that love brings. When we first employ the love to help our loved one organize and reappraise their emotional self and understand their emotions, we are able to assist them in reactivating the logic brain and thereby reason and understand the process in which they failed to reach their full potential. As a caring and supportive parent, spouse, friend, or even employer, I am create opportunities of understanding and growth that allow my loved one the strength of self to explore again, knowing that when they return, they were supported in their exploration and delighted in on their return. We were both logical and loving.