Resolutions will always fail if this one rules is not followed.
I saw a post this morning from a friend who stated that he resolved that he “would not eat ketchup anymore”. I instantly thought, “I give him 2 weeks.”
This language "I will not ... ", "I won't ... " will always be met with rapid failure and short lived success. Negative focused affirmations have never had the staying power that a positive focused statement has.
There are two motivators that drive each and every one of us. Inhibitive/restrictive and constructive. When ever we are compelled to change due to restrictive or inhibitive means - "you cannot", "you won't", and "I can't", we are removing the pay value and the incentive from the process. The constructive "I choose not to", "I will ...", and "It gives me ?? when I ... " are all based on powerful internal motivators that provide action and purpose. The more personal we make the pay value, the more driven we will be to achieve the change.
For example, if I want to have my son clean his room, I must first figure out a way to make my desire his. He must have “buy in” for the change. If I am exerting my will onto him, he will not have the internal energy to do the job. The same is true for each and every one of us. When we attempt to be motivated, to alter a behavior, through some form of coercion or negative talk, we have missed the critical component that will ultimately change us over the long term. Change that is driven by negative motivation or restrictive constraints, is change that runs out of gas quickly because it only seeks to remove a threat. If the threat is levied heavy enough against my son, he very well may clean his room due to the coercion and anticipated loss if he does not. That burst of fear driven energy has no lasting endurance. It is like trying to stay awake and driven on caffeine rushes when what your body wants is sleep and nutrition.
When I was a felony probation officer I continually faced the dilemma of finding ways to encourage my probationers to make the life changes the Judge had ordered. Initially, all of them came in very focused and driven to change because they did not want to return to jail, or hated coming to see me, or many other reasons. But all were negative and pain based. I found that the motivation and the drive usually lasted no more than 3 months. Then the drive for doing the change for someone else, or to avoid a specific outcome, ran out of steam. It was only when we were able to find the pay value that moved their inner desire that we were able to develop goals and resolutions that had any lasting effect.
Returning to the idea of getting my son to clean his room, when I attach the request/expectation to a true desire that he has, and I frame it in a constructive manner, the likelihood of having the room clean is increased. It is far more positive and motivating to say, "I will take you to the movie (that he has really wanted to see), WHEN your room is clean" than the inhibitive "IF you get your room clean, you can have ..." and even more demotivating “IF you do not clean your room I will/you’ll lose/etc.”
Two distinct differences in the example above establish the foundation for writing a powerful goal and affirmation. The first is the subtle difference in the meaning of WHEN and IF. To use the WHEN is to create the assumption that it will happen. It implies a belief and an optimism that the thing is going to happen. Any goal that is effective in creating real and lasting change must be seen as so real that it truly will happen. Anytime we use the IF we immediately imply a belief that there is doubt in the outcome. I will address the doubt and escape routes in a future post. But for now it is enough to say that we must remove the “if” in order to create success.
The second and perhaps the most powerful difference is the intrinsic pay value based on a true desire. To establish a goal based solely on the restrictive and inhibitive means that we are working for someone or something else’s desire. I have client who is struggling with overcoming a behavior that has cost him much in his life. In the beginning the notion was that “I have to quit in order to get her to stay!” Noble, but it has not created the change that is essential for lasting change when faced with the stress that triggers the behavior. Not until that becomes “I X when I feel X, because it gives me X” will there ever be lasting change associated with the positive and rewarding satisfaction that “the effort was for me because I wanted it”.
If this were my affirmation and resolution for change in the coming year, I would first establish the WHY. Without knowing why we want to change we will never exhibit enough energy to actually succeed. The WHY must also be framed in the positive. Losing those 20-40 pounds that have been nagging at you, or actually beginning a storage and self sufficiency program in your home are wonderful desires and for them to have the energy to endure you must find the internal reason that you want it. To say that the Doctor has warned me that I am developing diabetes or heart disease, or I am afraid of my government and must take care of myself are insufficient reason to sustain your desire to change. These restrictive reasons for change only create energy until you are sick of salads and you smell the burgers frying as you drive down main street.
Examples of positive, constructive motivators might be, "I feel healthy and have energy when I am fit." And, "I care for my family by ensuring we have the resources needed to be self sufficient". These statements have personal meaning and real potential. Later I will specifically address the reason for the openness and perceived non specific nature of these statements and why these will result in better change than any other option. For your New Year’s resolutions to have any lasting power, the number one place you must start is in defining the pay value and removing the “won’t”. No lasting change has ever been established from a position of restriction. Find your personal why and you are beginning to form the basis of lasting change.
See you tomorrow, Brett.
P.S. Don’t forget to schedule yourself for the Friday Google Hang-out. 12:00 mountain time. This interactive discussion will help to sharpen and hone your resolutions for lasting outcomes. Here is your link to join the hang out. https://plus.google.com/events/c1n2cqjtspjsrdids7rlim1i6hs While there be sure to add us to a Google + group so that you get all of the notices of coming Hang-outs.
P.S.S. Be sure to take advantage of the excellent opportunity I am extending. Success Coaching is personal one on one help and accountability for establishing a sure footing in your change process. Below is a link to receive a very valuable coupon to receive nearly 2 hours of personal attention for the 1 hour rate. Since these slots are limited, ACT FAST to assure you get the support you need to make 2013 your best year yet.
Want help and a focused ear?
As a special offer to readers of this blog, I am offering a special package to enhance your success and make sure that you are setting goals that are attainable, meaningful, and realistic, with all the tools you need to succeed.
For $125 a month, you will have email goal and affirmation review/editing, 30 minute coaching session either in person or via web meeting, access to audio and video training resources to hone and focus your desire to change and 1 45 minute brainwave balancing focus session a month. Individually, these items would run as high as $250, but to assist our readers in their change goals for the coming year, we will do all this for just $125! That is over 2 hours of personal and profession attention to get your year off on the right foot.
For $125 a month, you will have email goal and affirmation review/editing, 30 minute coaching session either in person or via web meeting, access to audio and video training resources to hone and focus your desire to change and 1 45 minute brainwave balancing focus session a month. Individually, these items would run as high as $250, but to assist our readers in their change goals for the coming year, we will do all this for just $125! That is over 2 hours of personal and profession attention to get your year off on the right foot.
Not in our area? Not a problem! You can still take advantage of the coaching and resources portion of the offer and we will increase the amount of coaching you can receive.
As this is a significant savings from our normal rates, there are a limited number of available slots. Be sure to sign up quickly. Sign up before the January 15th. These services will still be offered, but at our normal rates and subject to availability.
This link will take you to the coupon that will allow you to receive these discounts.
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