The words we say and the tone we use combine to make either the most powerful healer or the greatest destroyer known to man.
Rudely awoken to the sound of a call at 3:00, the voice on the line said, "good-bye, I love you." Facebook posts indicated a potential suicide pack and the fears ran high that there was a loss of life this morning. It is not the way you want to begin any day.
The problem in this situa
tion is that it did not need to be this way. Words spoken, tone taken, and attachments destroyed have left a young teen shattered and lost. Comments like "you don't want to be like X" have further stigmatized the way this youth sees them self.
As parents, friends, and even employers, the way that we choose to interact with someone has more impact on them than we can ever know. And the sharp negative times have deep and lasting impact that could have been avoided with just a simple shift and personal insight.
It is true that during any interaction with another human, particularly one whom we have an intimate connection with or any perceived authority over, there will be times of let down, fear, and hurt. But this fear and hurt can not be allowed to shape you interaction with the "offending" person. In fact, the harsher we are and the sharper our confrontation, the less it is to do with the other person but the more it is to do with our fear and hurt. The responsibility lies in the hands of the parent or authority figure more then the subordinate to interact in such a way that the "offender" is not deeply wounded.
What is needed and in fact demanded in these times is compassion, redirection, and support. Even when the mistakes of the "offender" were the cause of the issue at hand, to beat them over the head with that failure only deepens the sense of failure already brewing in the heart and mind of the child (spouse, employee). When we approach the event as a learning opportunity and a chance to instill hope and resilience, we have done greater good to the child than to have belittled, berated, and verbally beaten them. Even blunted sly sarcasm has the sharp cutting edge of the swiftest sword.
Here are 3 things that you can always do in the moment that will keep you positive and focused on the needs of the child and not your fear.
1. Acknowledge your own inner fear and recognize what it is doing to you before you engage with the child (spouse, employee)
2. Praise the child for their efforts and the good that they have been doing, before your express your concern.
3. Use I statements when reflecting the areas of improvement or ways the child has let you down. For example, "You have been doing a very good job in making it home very close to curfew. I am concerned that you have not yet embraced the importance of being home on time. It shows me that you are becoming more responsible that you have been so close to on time lately."
This morning ended with the declaration of "It was only as joke", but what about next time? Who will be listening and will they hear the cry that was screaming through the text and cell lines at 3:00 a.m. this morning?
As parents, friends, and even employers, the way that we choose to interact with someone has more impact on them than we can ever know. And the sharp negative times have deep and lasting impact that could have been avoided with just a simple shift and personal insight.
It is true that during any interaction with another human, particularly one whom we have an intimate connection with or any perceived authority over, there will be times of let down, fear, and hurt. But this fear and hurt can not be allowed to shape you interaction with the "offending" person. In fact, the harsher we are and the sharper our confrontation, the less it is to do with the other person but the more it is to do with our fear and hurt. The responsibility lies in the hands of the parent or authority figure more then the subordinate to interact in such a way that the "offender" is not deeply wounded.
What is needed and in fact demanded in these times is compassion, redirection, and support. Even when the mistakes of the "offender" were the cause of the issue at hand, to beat them over the head with that failure only deepens the sense of failure already brewing in the heart and mind of the child (spouse, employee). When we approach the event as a learning opportunity and a chance to instill hope and resilience, we have done greater good to the child than to have belittled, berated, and verbally beaten them. Even blunted sly sarcasm has the sharp cutting edge of the swiftest sword.
Here are 3 things that you can always do in the moment that will keep you positive and focused on the needs of the child and not your fear.
1. Acknowledge your own inner fear and recognize what it is doing to you before you engage with the child (spouse, employee)
2. Praise the child for their efforts and the good that they have been doing, before your express your concern.
3. Use I statements when reflecting the areas of improvement or ways the child has let you down. For example, "You have been doing a very good job in making it home very close to curfew. I am concerned that you have not yet embraced the importance of being home on time. It shows me that you are becoming more responsible that you have been so close to on time lately."
This morning ended with the declaration of "It was only as joke", but what about next time? Who will be listening and will they hear the cry that was screaming through the text and cell lines at 3:00 a.m. this morning?
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