Shall we dance?

“I can never find you” said Bob to Alice as they stood in the living room. “What do you mean, I AM RIGHT HERE!” Alice replied.  “How can you ‘FIND’ me?”  “I see you, yes, but where are YOU.  Where is the connection?  I just want you, and I can never find you?” said Bob as he slowly slipped away into the back room and Alice stood there hurt and confused.

Sound familiar?  Most of us at one point or another, if we have ever been in a committed relationship have likely been on one side of this conversation.

This last week has been a repeat of this conversation for several of my clients.  A mother said it about her child who she fears she has lost.  A wife said it about her husband that she never seemed to be able to reach.  A son said it about his parents wondering when they will see him.  A soon to be ex-husband said it about his wife. Even I said it at one point, wondering how my wife and I can miss when we are right there and we are both aware of this dance.

Yes, it is a dance.  One leads, the other reacts. Bob stepped on the floor and Alice responded in step, each tugging and pulling the other in this whirling dervish that left them both dizzy and alone.  And in the end, Bob still did not know where Alice was, and both were still alone.  No matter how we look at the dynamics of any relationship the fundamental core is the need for connection, validation, and reciprocation from our partner.  These three fundamentals are the core to what Bob and Alice were asking. 

Connection is what Bob was asking for when he expressed his fear that she was gone.  “Where are you?” was really a statement of “I am lonely.  I need you.  I am afraid.”  Unfortunately the fear is what gets expressed and the underlying tone was like a wild polka starting when Alice heard them.  Feeling the pain and energy of his fear, she responded with a defensive “I have never left, I am still here, why can’t you see me?” Her hurt and sense of rejection lead her onto the dance floor gripping and pulling Bob in a fevered attempt to have him see her.  Her sharp tone-- tainted by the hurt-- digs at his desire for connection and he feels that she is further away when what he really wanted was for her to be close.  Her hurt that he feels she is distant has left her raw and instead of being open and vulnerable to say “here I am, come to me”, she protects the hurt by driving him away.

Validation is the cry of the young man I spoke with.  Recently returning from a time away from his home, he was seeking for the recognition that he was in fact doing well and that the things he had been working on were taking effect.  Also, he was so longing to be validated for the effort he had made that any reaction of fear and questioning by his parent felt more like rejection or lack of trust.  Standing on the dance floor, waiting for a partner, he calls to his parents “I feel like I am grounded!” when what he was calling out deep inside was, “Do you not see that I am doing well? Do you not trust me and can you please tell me I am wanted and loved.”  Likewise, the parents are circling the edge of the floor in fear and dismay saying “We are afraid that you will slip.  We are afraid you will leave.  We are lost because you are not the same little boy who left but a man now.  I do not know who you are” and they are saying it through restrictions in associations, activity, music, and denial that he has grown beyond the chronological age, but life experience has made him a man before his time, each desperately wanting the other, the son needing to hear his parents say, “Good job, we are proud of you, and even though I am scared for what the future holds, I love you.”  And the parents needing to hear, “I am home folks.  I have grown, but I am still here.  I need you, and I appreciate the fact that you care for me.”  Un able to speak these words, the three of them enter the dance in a sort of jitter bug like approach withdraw spinning and tossing each other until exhausted they leave the floor, never having waltzed. 

Reciprocation is the request from my soon to be ex-husband client.  Longing to engage with his wife in deep meaningful interaction, he often felt rebuffed and dismissed.  Never feeling like she was interested in depth, he often found himself alone, wandering into disappear when what he longed for was the reciprocal feeling of need that he had for her.  Her fear of never being able to fully grasp the depth of his thinking made her stay surface if she entered the conversation at all.  His desire to have at least one thing in common and to share deep connection with her left him longing and alone.  His hurt at being alone would come out in harshness, and she heard criticism and rejection.  Her fear of rejection-- coupled with her own sense of inadequacy--caused her to recoil and avoid him.  Slowly their dance led to the falling out of love and the collapse of the marriage.  For years they each chased each other around the floor like middle schoolers at their first dance, him wanting desperately to ask her to dance, and she fearing that he might. 

Connection, validation, and reciprocation work in harmony, like a fluid waltz where it is often hard to determine where the one partner ends and the other begins.  Connected at the hand and hip, the dancers move fluidly around the floor anticipating and succumbing to the will of the other.  As he leads, she follows.  As she responds, he embraces, and they twirl united.  For the dance to work, they must both be vulnerable enough to accept the offer to be partners.  They must remain open in that vulnerability as the embrace the moves of the dance.  Each step in harmony with the other validates the connection.  Even if there is a misstep, it is met with a warm embrace and an open vulnerability to accept the fault, and move on, never lingering in the past.  As the two engage the music and reciprocate the fluid and rhythmic ebb and flow, they are rewarded with the warmth and gentleness that the vulnerability provides.  Without reciprocation, the leader of the dance would be left wondering how to proceed.  If validation for the fluid movement and the unity in the dance is misplaced, they both will feel empty and as if they were better off off the floor.  All of this brings connection that is the longing and the desire for anyone who steps onto the dance floor.

This trinity of all relationships is the end result of regular and constant practice.  Moving onto the floor and off again with repeated vulnerability and sensitivity.  As we engage our partner in the dance, we find their rhythm.  We hear their need, and we respond to the words not spoken.  Reflecting and validating the inner, unstated need in order to extend our connection and engagement to them.  Each turn of the dance pulling them in closer and finding new steps that were never known before. 

How do we remain vulnerable?  How do we reflect what is not spoken?  How can we engage when our partner pulls away?  Through the releasing of ourselves into the embrace of our partner.  By accepting our children for the growing, budding adults  that they are.  By embracing the hurt and the fear and calming it through our own fears.  Through reflection and acceptance of the hurt in our partner, and not allowing our own hurt to blind us to the inner need we each share.  Normally the hurt we feel is our own fear that our partner is not there for us.  If we reassure them that we have not left them and we acknowledge them for the fear and hurt they express, they become softened and we remain open.    

One powerful tool to keep each engaged in the dance is the simple and effective “I” message.  “I am afraid when I hear you cannot find me and what I really want is for you to come to me and tell me you need me” or, “when I see you slip away into the computer I think you do not want to be bothered so I leave you alone.  I want to engage with you but what I really need is to know that it is okay for me to come near”, each statement making a definite statement of need and each coming from the honest and personal “I” position.  It expresses our vulnerability.  It shows our openness, like a puppy that lies on its back willingly submitting to you for a rub.  When we remain connected, validating, and reciprocating, our partner is able to feel our vulnerability and the dance change, our steps unite, and the closeness we seek is realized.  One particular “I” message is the reflection and validation of the partners expressed fears and hurts without attacking with a “you”.  “I hear you are hurt and wish that I would be close. I understand that when I become quiet, I feel far away from you.”  This simple statement can be all that is needed to change the music and alter the dance.  When we engage our partner in a step that is out of the norm yet comforting, they can feel connected and invited to change the step.  A word of caution.  If the new step throws them for a loop, do not go back to the old dance.  Recognize that you have change the dance, altered the pattern, and that can be distracting and upsetting as the balance of what is known and what is “comfortable” changes.  This is a good thing.  Just reflect it again with an “I” message. 

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