1. Pre-Plan. If you know that weird Uncle Larry will be there again this year, as he is every year then instead of getting all worked up and afraid (AKA angry and upset) about what he might do, make a plan fo
r what you will do when he does do his thing. This can be a simple as deciding ahead of time what conversations you want to start and who you will focus your time with. Have pre planned exits and a back up partner for if you get trapped with him. When I worked in Probation and Parole, we never went into an arrest or search situation with out pre-planning the exit strategy and what we would do if things went wrong.
2. "What If's". If you think them through you will know what to do. By thinking through the worst case scenario and seeing yourself getting through it and how to get through it, the mundane family weirdness will be a breeze. Often when I was a P.O., while walking the halls or driving in my car I would play out worse case scenarios with other officers and we would have work to come up with a non-violent solution for the worst case event. No situation is out of line for these practice drills and the more realistic the better.
3. Strategy. By now, you have been to enough family and work gatherings that you know what will happen when Uncle Larry gets a bit too much eggnog. Work with co conspirators to make a plan of action that will ensure that your time at the party will be great. Except for the blind side events (see the above entry) we always had a plan of attack when entering a home, making an arrest, or conducting a search. There was always a back up team, always a pre plan meeting, and always an exit plan.
Take what you know and work a plan that will make the worst case hard to happen. If you know that Uncle Larry and Aunt Sally are coming, and they always do, AND you know they have a different idea of allowing self determination in their parent child interaction (AKA THOSE KIDS ARE OUT OF CONTROL). To avoid this have set of activities and expectations for the kids. Establish a kids area. And, talk to the adults and make sure they are on the same page. Finally address this directly with Larry and Sally. They need to know that the event will be managed and that they are expected to work within the "rules". There is no reason to be worried about making someone upset if they are the reason that everyone else will have a miserable time.
4. Choose your outcome. Yes it is possible to decide ahead of time to have a good time regardless. Here are some tips to plan your outcome.
Decide to not be offended. Crazy as it seems, we can decide not to be offended by the folks you stress about. Truth is, you already know who will be offensive, what conversations will be off putting and what the contentions will be. So just plan to work around them and not get involved. Simply asking "is this really worth my time and energy?" or "Does it really matter to me?" can make all the difference at the end of the event. "Will it make my life any better to engage in this issue?" is a powerful question to determine the worth of the engagement.
Choose what you want to experience. Decide ahead of time what it is that you want to take away from the gathering. By defining your course, you define your outcome. An ancient philosopher said, "If you do not have an end port in mind, no wind is the right wind". Meaning, if you have not chosen your destination and outcome, it does not matter how you are blown about. Choosing before the gathering what you will and won't engage in will define the way you look at the chaos.
Finally, ask yourself the very important question, "why does it matter to me, and what can I do about it?" Having some personal self reflection can enlighten you to the underlying reason the Uncle Larry is so weird for you or why it is that his kids make you crazy. Why when the ultra liberal relatives start talking about politics do you feel that you have to engage. Will you change their point of view? Absolutely not and they will not alter yours, so that is a great time to just say, "I see your point, I understand how you feel. I am going to go wash dishes." We only have to engage in things that we chose to and no one forces you to engage in a conversation that you do not wish to be in. Choose your end port, and choose your wind.
I hope that you have a great Thanksgiving and a magical Christmas.
2. "What If's". If you think them through you will know what to do. By thinking through the worst case scenario and seeing yourself getting through it and how to get through it, the mundane family weirdness will be a breeze. Often when I was a P.O., while walking the halls or driving in my car I would play out worse case scenarios with other officers and we would have work to come up with a non-violent solution for the worst case event. No situation is out of line for these practice drills and the more realistic the better.
3. Strategy. By now, you have been to enough family and work gatherings that you know what will happen when Uncle Larry gets a bit too much eggnog. Work with co conspirators to make a plan of action that will ensure that your time at the party will be great. Except for the blind side events (see the above entry) we always had a plan of attack when entering a home, making an arrest, or conducting a search. There was always a back up team, always a pre plan meeting, and always an exit plan.
Take what you know and work a plan that will make the worst case hard to happen. If you know that Uncle Larry and Aunt Sally are coming, and they always do, AND you know they have a different idea of allowing self determination in their parent child interaction (AKA THOSE KIDS ARE OUT OF CONTROL). To avoid this have set of activities and expectations for the kids. Establish a kids area. And, talk to the adults and make sure they are on the same page. Finally address this directly with Larry and Sally. They need to know that the event will be managed and that they are expected to work within the "rules". There is no reason to be worried about making someone upset if they are the reason that everyone else will have a miserable time.
4. Choose your outcome. Yes it is possible to decide ahead of time to have a good time regardless. Here are some tips to plan your outcome.
Decide to not be offended. Crazy as it seems, we can decide not to be offended by the folks you stress about. Truth is, you already know who will be offensive, what conversations will be off putting and what the contentions will be. So just plan to work around them and not get involved. Simply asking "is this really worth my time and energy?" or "Does it really matter to me?" can make all the difference at the end of the event. "Will it make my life any better to engage in this issue?" is a powerful question to determine the worth of the engagement.
Choose what you want to experience. Decide ahead of time what it is that you want to take away from the gathering. By defining your course, you define your outcome. An ancient philosopher said, "If you do not have an end port in mind, no wind is the right wind". Meaning, if you have not chosen your destination and outcome, it does not matter how you are blown about. Choosing before the gathering what you will and won't engage in will define the way you look at the chaos.
Finally, ask yourself the very important question, "why does it matter to me, and what can I do about it?" Having some personal self reflection can enlighten you to the underlying reason the Uncle Larry is so weird for you or why it is that his kids make you crazy. Why when the ultra liberal relatives start talking about politics do you feel that you have to engage. Will you change their point of view? Absolutely not and they will not alter yours, so that is a great time to just say, "I see your point, I understand how you feel. I am going to go wash dishes." We only have to engage in things that we chose to and no one forces you to engage in a conversation that you do not wish to be in. Choose your end port, and choose your wind.
I hope that you have a great Thanksgiving and a magical Christmas.
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